“Forgetting” My Identity

I honestly cannot write this without saying that I have always seen myself as “different”. I’ve never been truly feminine or truly masculine. I was raised as a female despite how much I wanted to be just like little boys growing up. I wanted everything a boy had, girly things just didn’t interest me. I was forced to wear dresses, but loved wearing skirts, I was forced to wear feminine things while I silently felt judged and misread.

It was confusing growing up, I was constantly wondering what it would be like to be in a male body. Every time I take a shower, bath, or go swimming I am reminded of my body, I am reminded that it is not how I want it to look, it feels awkward, but I have learned that it is something I am born with, no matter how much I hate it.

I learned about the LGBTQIA+ when I was about 10 or 11, I only really knew about Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual. It wasn’t until I was 14 and 15 that I finally learned about the rest. And in learning about the rest I learned a lot more, including Transgender. I was constantly searching transgender without even realizing it, I would spend hours on end finding YouTube videos about people that are transgender. I grew fond of them sharing their stories and I was able to relate a lot to how they felt.

But something still wasn’t right. How come it wasn’t until I was 15 that I felt extremely dysphoric? I mean I was a late bloomer, I grew into my chest when I was roughly 13 and I was taught to embrace what I had even if it made me uncomfortable. I guess that should have been a red flag to me. Most women are comfortable in their bodies while I was just completely against the “tumors” that grew on my body against my will. I would sit for so long wondering why they couldn’t just, “go away” it bothered me.. My mom taught me that they were amazing and I would love mine but I hated them so much.

I tried to tell my mom how I felt but each time I was dismissed without a second thought. My mom always said how my father got into my head because he always complained about how he wanted a boy and not a girl. Well, let’s just say, it was never to please him. It is true, I am a people pleaser and I will admit that, but never would I surrender to such a man as him. He is merely a stranger to me, and it would take a long time for him to ever get to an acquaintance.

But there is still so much left unsolved in my life. I often invalidate myself because I cannot remember much of my childhood, trauma has severely limited my abilities to reflect and relive my horrible childhood. So it is hard to say when I truly felt that something was wrong with my body other than at the age of 14 when I began to question fully. I still find myself misgendering myself, using She/Her pronouns instead of He/They pronouns. It does not help that my family is not supportive at all and that they often make transphobic and homophobic “jokes” and comments towards me. I hope to move away the summer that I am 18, just pack my car full of my stuff and my dog and just drive, see where the road takes me.

I am a 15 year old, transgender/non-binary, high school student! My pronouns are He/They, I am merely here sharing my stories as well as reading about others!